Tool definitions

[CELSESSER]

Ran across this definition of tools that seems to be 100% accurate. Thought I would pass it along.

Chuck

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Lavoy]

Someone has to make that into a poster!
Lavoy

[Pat]

You described my shop and tool box perfectly!!

[1949JDMC]

thats hilareous... after the 3rd one i was on the floor laughing

[JD440ICD2006]

Too funny..................except most of them are very true at some point.

[1949JDMC]

the son of a bitch tool is my favourite!!

[Rex]

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
is in a different union.

Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.

OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the
wounded.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

[pop pop]

a 10#sledge hammer anda bigA punch are the worst combination,, a few weeks ago i had a punch fly out the door of my shop and shatter the windshield of my classic collector car,, luckily? i ran out and caught the punch just as it was coming down for a second hit over the hood
so ,, i would consider welding a safety chain to the punch and anchoring it, "if" i was osha compliant....

[digitup2]

Back in the 80s my D6 dozer operator Dave pulled his company truck my 85 Chevy half ton [made when Chevy made trucks ]up beside the float and proceeded to chain down the dozer better than the float driver did .He was pulling up on the pipe and binder under unbelievable strain so I asked him if he was planing on killing some one .He stopped for a brief second and looked at me like I was nuts as the pipe and binder came back over center and kicked the pipe through the truck drivers door and the seat as well as the floor then top and bottom of the fuel tank. the old Chevy spitted a last gasp as the gas spilled all over the place and carb was weened off fuel at this point .I flipped the binder back over and tightened it not saying anything .He was looking for more of a reaction from me I could tell .I got in the float tractor and started shifting gears .When I got to the job site he came driving in with his car and said nothing .Several days later he was talking to my big brother and the truck repair was mentioned .I think he figured he didn't have a company truck any more .Dave got the next new one and never lived it down..Digitup.

[Willyr]

My Daddy always called "e-clips" Jesus clips. Because when you remove it, it flies past your ear, you go JESUS!!

[JD440ICD2006]

Speaking of tools, have they run completely out of new ideas and designs?
I recently saw a TV ad for a dog bone wrench. If you are not familar with them by that name, they are also called multi wrenches and a few other nicknames. They have a series of sockets on each end so that one tool fits a number of nuts and bolts. They are handy, but the nut or bolt must be in a clear and open area, otherwise, you still have to go a wrench that will do the job.
I have one made by Snap On. I bought it used 10 years ago and it was old then. It appears that several companies are "reintroducing" this very old design.